a writer's paradize...

Had a night shift. Slept all day, had dinner and then slept again….woke up at 4…..since then….into my thoughts. Silence…..after an hour……..what am I thinking, I wonder…! Its simply nothing…pieces of pictures running frames after frames…one feeling leading to another…none meaningful…none conclusive…amazingly empty. such a vacuum…can’t express…I am loosing the words…they are hiding…my thoughts they are playing with me…they are charming me…as if it’s a bait…they don’t want to lose my attention…before I express one frame it disappears leaving me starving for another…I could not deduce it into words…I lost it. Now they are taking revenge…they have deprived me off the trail…I am unable to find the link to the chain…they are afraid I might expose them…they are sensitive…don’t like to be mocked at…and I love them…….they keep me living…they make me happy when I am alone…and sometimes I make excuses and lie to my frenz…coz it feels better to be alone with them…my own thoughts…my own world…a fantasy.

What is it? Where does it come from every time…and where does it go as it vanishes? Why do I always want to put them on paper…why do I want them to be known by all…loved and appreciated. Why do I like to be known for the things I write? What is this eternal happiness that is there running in my veins making me shiver when I imagine others liking the way I express…my heart is dancing…I don’t want to hold myself anymore…I wanna shout and scream and jump and run…and love and hug and kiss everybody for wanting me to share my thoughts with them. That’s where I want to be…everybody whom I know should be there…and even others…but I have to dig deeper for that. I have to feel the abyss and bring it to the surface…before all. I hope I can provide the rhythm that everybody could synchronize with while I make them imagine my creation. It should be real…so close to life yet virgin…never touched or felt by any. It should be hypnotizingly continuous and amazingly endless. It should tease them for a conclusion and they must hate it when they get one.

I am starving to explain it more but this is not where I wanted to take it when I started and that is where things get difficult. I have to fight my own trivial thoughts for letting the more meaningful ones to shine and bring sense to what I write and to life. I wish I was the master of choosing the right ones and shall be one day if I keep on letting myself be lost in the nothingness and emptiness in the process of create something out of it. I shall be able to bring about a change.